It's not the end of everything, but you know how difficult this can be

I have always thought, and still think, that you're a good person. Mostly because you're good to your family and you encourage me to do the same. And being supportive and caring to me. I know you do care. But you don't care enough. I discover that there is a difference between priorities and choices. The difference between making time for someone and doing things when they are convenient. The difference between the two of us - I chose you every day. Do you? Or did you tell me what I wanted to hear because it sounded nice? Or did you intend to make use of me from the start? 

Sometimes it hits me and I realize a lil that I deserve more than all of these. But I still believe in you. I still choose to see only the good in you, regardless of how many times I'm disappointed with you, how long I should wait for your reply, or being confused that you like me one day then be afraid if it might change the next. You said you like me. But, I wonder why is it so easy for you to let go and turn around? Why our love just isn't enough to get you to stay, to keep you around? Maybe I cared a lil too much. Maybe I was too honest. Maybe I answered your text too quickly. Maybe it was me who wanted to be caring and wasn't afraid to show it until it begins to annoy you. Maybe you like me a lil bit - just enough to answer my texts much later, to make plans after that, to give attention to me only when you feel like it. Maybe you don't even care about hurting my feelings. Maybe you don't even care about making me wait. 

I don't even have to analyze the looks you gave me or the compliments you've made cos they are all meaningless when you ghosted me for a week straight. I shouldn't automatically assume that you like me as much as I like you. I shouldn't get excited on the days when you actually acknowledge my existence after you went MIA for weeks at a time. I shouldn't believe so ruthlessly that "I love you" meant "I'll stay". You hurt me and you never really loved me. But these are just the loads of rubbish voices in my head that are telling me. I still hold onto the hope you will like me back. I still have nights replaying our sweet memories and overanalyzing the moment we could have made it work. I still wish we were together. My silent wish for you to not leave me. Not a single day goes by without me missing you, without me wanting you back. I still post stories and eagerly hope that your name will be one I see. 

Since you left, I learn that getting through a day is excruciatingly painful.  My day used to begin and end with you. Now, I'm afraid of every sunrise as if all that happened were just like a dream and I'm afraid of every sunset that reminds me of another day that I have to go through without you. I keep myself busy during the day and I stay up late to make sure I'm really tired before I lay on my bed. Anyhow, I still have the urge to pick up my phone to call you again so that I can hear your voice. I still check if it was you whenever my phone notification pops up. Days went by where my messages still go unread. Moments go by reminding me of you. 

I guess I'll continue to visit special places we both once shared. Listen to the songs you listen to. See what you've seen. Collect every moment. See the world in your eyes. Visit places you've been and the time we've spent together. Not missing any moment. Going through waves of confusing emotions alone. Creating moments alone. I guess I can eventually get used to a life without you, but I do not want to. So maybe one day when you are ready for it...

I will always blame myself to have brought up the issue. If it wasn't for what I did, we might not have ended up like this. I will still have some time with you. I will still have the chance to make changes. No matter what, you will always be that one person. That one person who will remain in my heart, just like her in yours. That one person who will always have a piece of my heart, just like her having yours. That one person who changed me and impacted me in a way that I never saw coming. 

I hate you fuglycute duckie cos I wanted more sweets. Will you still think of me before you go to bed?